So my day started out being pretty excited. Free Symphony concert that night Downtown, Temple Trip Friday... it was going to be a good weekend!! It's really amazing to me how things work out differently than we planned, and it turns out to be exactly what we needed.
I ended up not going to the Symphony because not enough girls were going and I wasn't about to drive out there by myself at night. So, all dressed up and ready to go out, I grabbed my umbrella and slowly, and meticulously made my way to my car in the POURING down rain. Not just rain... but POURING down rain. In heels with a guitar slung on my back... hahah it was quite the site I'm sure! But I hopped in my car and drove out to Institute.
I haven't been to Institute in probably... a month or so. So many things were (and still are!) happening with school, work, and dealing with my emotions, that I jus haven't really wanted to go. But, I went last night and I'm so grateful I did. We were studying about Noah in Moses and talking about the flood and the wickedness of the people. Heavenly Father sent multiple warnings to His people calling them to repentance. However, those that perished in the flood were the ones who did not repent. On a tangent during our discussion, we came across this scripture:
Moses 8:13-15
13 And Noah and his sons hearkened unto the Lord, and gave heed, and they were called the
sons of God.
14 And when these men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them, the
sons of men saw that those daughters were fair, and they took them wives, even as they chose.
15 And the Lord said unto Noah:
The daughters of thy sons have sold themselves; for behold mine anger is kindled against the sons of men, for they will not hearken to my voice.The tangent we got onto was this: What was it that the daughters of Noah's sons do to anger God?
~They sold themselves short and married
sons of man.
This grew into a discussion of "why did the daughters sell themselves short?" and we began to apply it to today. Why do strong, faithful women marry men outside of the church?
~Fear. Fear that there is no one left, no one good enough for them.
What could "we" (daughters) do to strengthen ourselves and "hold out" for those Sons of God?
~I jokingly, but with tears in my eyes, quietly responded, "Go to Utah" and oh BOY was I reprimanded!! It was pretty funny to everyone else, but to me, I was striking a chord of truth and hitting coming very close to the internal struggles of my heart. Because what I was realizing was that I don't want to sell myself short. I don't want my Heavenly Father to be angry with me because I didn't trust Him to lead me to a
Son of God. Would I be selling myself short had things worked out with Wes? I don't know. I didn't feel like I would be. But I guess, Heavenly Father has someone out there better for me. And all along, that is what Wes was trying to tell me.
I don't usually cry at Institute, but I did. Just a simple tangent was something, a blessing, that I needed that night. I wasn't planning on being taught through the Spirit, I wasn't even planning on being there. But I was. And I was taught.
However, that being said, for once, I do wish someone could just agree with me and share my pain. Instead of telling me what they think I want to hear...
"what was he thinking?!"
"it's his loss anyways"
"he's not very smart"
"he's not worth it"
"what a loser"
"you can do better... You deserve better..."
... I wish it would all just stop. For once, I would love for someone to tell me that they understand. That they would hold me while I cried as I've continued to realize more and more everyday how much I really loved him. And because I loved him, he screwed me over. He promised he would never hurt me. And instead of being angry, or even remotely agreeing with anything anyone says... I continue to think about him. Dream about him. Talk to him when I'm driving around (in my head). It's like he never left. But he did. And things are so utterly different, it scares me. I can't listen to the same music. I can barely talk the same. I wish someone would for once, tell me the truth.... That it's my fault. That it's me that doesn't deserve him. I'm supposed to be angry, and getting over him... But I'm not. I care more about him and worry about him more and more everyday. Something is wrong with me.
Maybe this was all triggered from the text he sent me last Friday out of nowhere that just said, "Hey". I don't know how many times I've picked up my phone since then to write him back.... But didn't do it. I don't know what to do. But I know I'll never let him go if I keep in contact with him. And while he was breaking my heart... I told him that. So why did he try and contact me?!?!? It made it worse. Everything. Worse.
I have nothing left. No anger. Just a sense of loss. I pray that Heavenly Father will send "him" (whoever "him" is) soon. I hope I can learn what I'm supposed to learn from all of this SOON. Because I'm tired. So very tired. Keeping my faith and trust in Heavenly Father is getting easier... but I can always do better.
