Do you ever ask yourself how you're doing and REALLY think about your answer? Because I've started asking myself... and I've noticed something the past few weeks... when someone asks me, "Hey! How are you doing?" I smile, fake it, and say, "GREAT!" and continue on the conversation. However, for whatever reason, when certain people ask me in a completely different tone of voice, "Hey girl. How are you?" it stops me cold. I fumble on words and the tears start. I start trying to grasp at some strand of composure ANY strand. But I don't even know where to begin answering his/her question.... Aren't I fine? Am I not happy as can be? Content with where I am and in who I am?? I AM.... Aren't I?!?!?!?
I noticed that I was having these negative thoughts a lot more than normal this week... it started after church on Sunday. For whatever reason, going to church has been REALLY hard on me emotionally. But this Sunday during Sunday School the teacher asked us to write a list of qualities we want in a spouse... Great. :-/ I looked at Pauli and Katie and half heartedly said, "This is SO not what I need or want to do right now." and we all chuckled because they knew where I was coming from. It's SO difficult even STILL for me to sit in church and not have my heart ACHE that Ryan isn't there. I know Heavenly Father loves me and he has someone planned for me and is preparing him. I know that. I know that there is a time and a season for all things. I KNOW that I am a virtuous woman who deserves someone who gives back just as much, if not more, as I give. I ended up making the list, folded it up, and put it right in the front of my scriptures. Throughout the lesson I kept thinking about that list and how I filled the ENTIRE page with qualities. The ENTIRE thing. And I cried. Because I've started to realize and can't help but wonder if I've created this image of a companion in my mind... that will never exist. I've created a fairy tale prince and Ryan took that dream with him of me ever finding my prince.
ARGH!!!! And I know everyone wants to help, I really do... but it really DOESN'T help when you hear everyone at work say, "I told you so" or have your boss say, "We tried to warn you Heather. I'm so sorry." and watch me completely break down in his office... yeah. That was the VERY LAST person I wanted to cry in front of on Wednesday during my shift, but I was finally openly admitting and showing just HOW MUCH Ryan has messed me up. Less than 4 days after we break up... he's with another girl and in a relationship... calling her Babe and she's calling him Ry... Like that's not a punch to the stomach after all the things he said to me and after I opened and GAVE him my heart... cool. Love Facebook. It's really taken a punch to me emotionally. And my boss agreed with me... wait... what?! Yeah. Agreed with me that what Ryan did would mess any girl up--but especially me. He couldn't stress enough that I deserve someone so much better... right.. Thanks Matt... I really do appreciate that... but it doesn't make the pain go away :-) But thanks for trying.
So it's tough. I'm struggling. Especially this week for whatever reason. It seems like my trials are always involved emotionally! haha. Guess it gets me super ready to be a compassionate therapist right? I have so many qualitites I need to work on for my profession tho. My guitar professor approached me about it after class this week and talked to me about a performance I had totally fumbled through and after explaining myself she said, "Why do you do that Heather? Why do that to yourself? Why set yourself up for failure before you even begin?" All I could do was shrug and say, "It's the way I've always been..." That wasn't good enough for her. She really drilled into my head that being a therapist is not about ME. It's about my CLIENT. She believes and know that I will be one of the better therapists in the program because I am SO genuine (these are her words not mine :D) and SO compassionate, intelligent and caring. I have the perfect personality to be a therapist and I am where I need to be. I fit in, like a puzzle piece to my Music Therapy Degree. She knows that I will shine in my Practicums (clinical work-working in the field with my professors) and I will fit right in and find my niche.... but I have to get there mentally first and NOT set myself up for the failure and focus on the failures I KNOW I'll have. Anyways... just a lot of qualities to work on.
Pictures to come soon, I've been living with Katie this week and for another week and a half or so from now while her parents are out of town. It has SERIOUSLY been SUCH a blessing. I love my family I really really do, but it has been such a wonderful break from them to be on my own and to really live "my college life" for this short time. Katie and I have had a BLAST together. We each do our own thing, but once we get all of our school work done and work is over... we play play play :-) We've already gone grocery shopping together (which took 2 HOURS!!! Who would've thought they put rice vinegar by the ranch...) watched movies
(Princess and the Frog--LOVED it. Seriously.) gone out to eat....... it's been SO fun!! And Pauli is coming this weekend to stay for the entire weekend... it's going to be an exciting weekend for sure.... But I can't tell you why yet!!! :-D I promised I'd wait until after :) :) :) :) Pictures to come and videos!!!
I LOVE MY ETERNAL FAMILY BOTH BLOOD RELATED AND SOUL RELATED!!! (meaning, my family I was born into, and the family I have gained through Katie, Chris, Marianne, Craig, and Pauli <3)
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