How Do Missionaries DO This?!?!

Warning: This is going to be a looooong one.

My heart is COMPLETELY broken. How does one deal with not only loosing a relationship, but watching someone make a decision out of fear, knowing what he felt about the gospel. How do missionaries handle watching their investigators walk away KNOWING that the investigator KNOWS what he's learned is true and what he's felt is right?!?!?!?! I can't DO this!!! My emotions are COMPLETELY out of control and I can't grasp even a strand of rope to pull me out. I know that's dramatic, and I know I'm not alone, but please understand that despite all of the love and support I've received through this, I still feel like I am spiraling out of control.

The amount of PURE doctrine Ryan learned in 6 weeks, and the growth I saw in him was astounding and humbling. Please understand that there is nothing wrong with Ryan. NOTHING. He was and is everything I could ever hope for in a guy and in building a relationship with, but I walked into that relationship knowing that it could end like this. I made it very clear from the beginning that my religion was THE MOST important thing to me and I would NOT sacrafice what I know I want more than anything in the world--a temple marriage. With that knowledge that I made clear, and with his enthusiasm to explore and learn the gospel, I felt that it WAS the right thing for me to do-to start a relationship with him despite that he lacked the most important quality to me.

There is nothing wrong with Ryan. He came to church with me every Sunday, every Family Home Evening that he could (which was most due to blessings of snow and classes being cancelled) He decided he wanted to start going to Institute with our dear dear friends Chris and Katie, and he asked Chris to take him to the temple to learn more about it-because he knew how important it was to me. From the MOMENT he walked into that church building, he fit in and his Sweet, sweet spirit blessed those around him. I don't think he realizes the effect and the example he set on the members of my Branch. His sweet testimony was growing. He asked me if we could start reading the Book of Mormon together from the beginning, every night and pray together afterwards. We did this for about 2 weeks and everytime it was Ryan's turn to say the prayer, the sweetness of every word out of his mouth pierced my very heart and soul. He was so grateful for me, for God putting me in his path so he could learn about the gospel. He was so grateful that I was so understanding to his stories about his past and that I was able to accept him. I'm so sorry! I'm getting so emotional. I know this isn't true and it's NOT how I should look at this, but this OVERWHELMING feeling of complete, and utter FAILURE not only to myself, but to Ryan, and most importantly, to my Heavenly Father that I didn't. do. something. right. That something happened and it's MY fault. I KNOW IT'S NOT. I know that's Satan is trying to use this against me. I know that. But it's what I'm feeling.

How do missionaries do this? Am I sad that a WONDERFUL relationship ended? Sure, of course!! But there will be others. I've been burned, and I've survived. But what I can't handle is watching Ryan walk away when he knows the feelings he felt. Obviously his conviction wasn't strong enough yet or he wouldn't have chosen lifestyle over the gospel, but I know he felt the Spirit several times. I watched him. I spent time with him. And I watched him grow and change and draw closer to his Heavenly Father.

And now... He's done a complete 180 degree turn in less than 24 hrs and decides that he likes his religion and his lifestyle. I just wanted to shake him and tell him how stupid he's being!!! And I have to watch him walk away. I. Have. To. Watch. Him. Walk. Away. And it's literally tearing me apart. If there is nothing else that you gain from this, hear me now and feel my frustration and heartache in my own realization of how destructive friends can be. That we become like those with whom we associate. And if friends are as important to you as Ryan's are to him, then Satan will use that against you and to your utter desctruction against joining the church. That admist Ryan's confusion about converting and making this a part of his life, he didn't go to the friends he knew he had in the Branch-because he knew they would support him. Instead, he went to the people he knew he would get the answer he wanted from-the lack of support, the way OUT, the excuse, the justification to NOT do something HARD. This lack of suppor was not only to him, but in my behalf as well. I've lived my entire life being ridiculed for what I believe and Ryan has never had to deal with that. And it makes him uncomfortable and... scared. Be CAREFUL with whom you choose to associate. Are they true friends who want the best for you? Or do that want to keep you around because of the life of partying they already have planned out-and they're not "accountable" for it as Ryan would be if he converted.

As all of this was happening Monday, I had been counseling with my Branch President and asking for his help. He knocked some sense into me and made sure that I knew that I did EVERYTHING right. But I can't force Ryan to believe, or to make the right decision. I can't. Unfortunetely, I can't pursuade him into my religion. My Branch President asked if I was going to come to Family Home Evening and I told him no, that I just wanted to stay home and deal with this and he made sure I put my butt in my car and drove out to FHE.

With my heart pounding, eyes already puffy, and nose running like a waterfall, I grabbed what composure I had left and walked into the building. They had already started and were singing the opening hymn. For whatever reason I couldn't recognize the song when I walked in the front door. But as soon as I walked in the door to the YW's Room and saw my Branch President sitting at the front of the room directing the song, the words hit me like a ton of bricks:

"1. How firm a foundation ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in his excellent word;
What more can he say than to you he hath said?
You, who unto Jesus, for refuge have fled.

3. “Fear not, I am with thee; O be not dismayed!
For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

4. “When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o'erflow;
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

5. “When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace all-sufficient shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design,
Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.

7. “The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose,
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes:
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never - no, never, no, never forsake!”

I was literally frozen in place as I just looked at my Branch President who winked at me with tears in his eyes, and I sobbed uncontrollably as I stood there.

After a few seconds-but what seemed like an entire verse-I found a seat by my sweet, sweet friend Marianne who had NO idea as to what had happened, but by taking one look at my face, she wrapped her arms around me and held me. I love this gospel and the knowledge that it gives me, and the sweet spirit the light of Christ gives us all. The lesson was given on "personal study" and the blessings of it. I couldn't tell you what was specifically said, or what scriptures were read that had touched me so deeply, but I can explain my feelings. As scriptures were read about sharing our knowledge with those around us this overwhelmingly powerful feeling overcame me. I have NEVER felt the spirit touch me so deeply and so strongly. I did EVERYTHING that I could. Everything. The fact that he wasn't sitting next to me, like I knew he should be--broke my heart. What breaks my heart more was the very clear thought--he CHOSE to not sit next to you. It's tearing me apart.

Same with the scripture which was shared-it happened to be from the very chapter which was his last homework assignment from the missionaries. Again-the uncontrollable tears came and I almost exploded. He should have been sitting next to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But, he chose not to.

After the scripture, by Branch President leaned over and asked if I was keeping this "under the table" and I laughed and looked at him, pointed to my face and said, "Does it look like I can keep it under the table now?! Even if I wanted to??" We both chuckled and he got up in front of everyone and explained in appropriate detail my situtation. That it had been a very hard day for the Branch, and a particularly hard day for me as I had lost someone VERY dear to me. But what was so incredible, was he took the pain away from me and put it on the WHOLE Branch. I WASN'T the only one saddened and deeply hurt. Ryan had changed and affected the ENTIRE Branch. Every person in it. And it is because of HIM that the Branch is as close as it's ever been. He talked about the amount of PURE DOCTRINE Ryan had learned in the past 6 weeks and the amount of light that was beginning to shine through him and he could see the testimony beginning to grow. That because of all that, it has been a complete shock to hear what I had told him throughout the day of the complete turn around in Ryan's attitude towards the church. Complete shock. He asked all of us to keep him in our prayers and he asked one of the missionaries who had taught him to say the closing prayer. It was the sweetest, most powerful prayer I'd heard all day, and I had been praying all day long.


The amount of love and support I received after the closing prayer and during game, was absolutely overwhelming. I'm STILL overwhelmed. I don't know what to do with all of these feelings. Within 24 hours I had received just shy of 10 messages on facebook full of love and support, countless wall postings and comments, text messages, people calling me... Ryan, it's not just me that's suffering... it's your FRIENDS too.

My dearest friend Katie wrote the sweetest post for me : http://katieellencoffey.blogspot.com/2010/02/love-goes-out.html

Ryan, I hope one day you will realize what you turned your back on. That there is going to be a huge void in your life that you've already tried once to fill, which you did, but only half way. You are everything I could've asked for and MORE in a companion, but I can't follow you on the path you have chosen when I KNOW that my path will lead me to eternal joy and happiness. I pray you will one day see the light... and come find me.