The Nelson Family

I have up days, moments really, and then there's mostly the down. No matter how hard I force myself to not look at pictures, I sometimes do. Even then, it doesn't matter because they're constantly playing like a never ending slide show in my head. It's been a week to the day. I've accepted the fact that he's not coming back, and that the next little while is going to be really hard for me. I've been broken physically and emotionally before from past relationships... now I just feel broken mentally. Wes was so far into my head, I swear most of the time, he knew exactly what I was thinking. But, he always let me speak for myself.

One particular night I remember very clearly, we were sitting out on the back porch watching the lightening storm and we got in to a very deep discussion. He has the wonderful gift of discernment and was able to, at the very start, "see" my testimony and knew that I had suffered greatly to receive it. He could see ME. He could see through the facade I often put on to hide my pain, and he saw who I really was. He said things to me that I had never mentioned before, but he had picked up it. But what I remember so clearly the past few days was one thing that he said to me.

"When I look at you, I see someone who has spent a lot of time, on her knees, asking... pleading with her Heavenly Father in tears, asking "why" over and over and over again. When I look at you, I see the makings of an "apostle's wife"."

It brings tears to my eyes, even now typing it out and physically reading it. Because I HAVE been asking "WHY?!?!?!" Every second, of every day. The only thing different, is that I'm not on my knees. I can't do it. I can't ask myself for the comfort I so desperately need. I've felt the prayers of dear ones. That, I cannot deny. But I haven't been able to get down on my knees and find my own peace and comfort. And I can't even begin to explain why. I have this unsettling desire to run. Run as far away as I can and never look back. Because now, I have nothing left. Wes hurt me in a way that I don't know that I can ever repair. He was so far in my head and had so much control over me, that I was hurt mentally more than anything. I feel used, like my emotions were something he took advantage of and thrived off of and said things to me because he knew how I would react (anger, happiness, frustration, bewilderment... the whole bucket of emotions). I don't' know where to go or where to even run to. I can't escape into my black whole. To the very deepest, darkest corners of my mind. I can't do it. Because every corner I try and turn, every thought I try and turn around... ALWAYS goes back to him. Without fail.

Could it hurt ANY more!?

While working today (all 12 hours worth =] ) I did have a moment where I was sitting at the top of the slide and looking out the window at the golf course and thought, "Wow. He (Christ) must really have someone special prepared for me. Who's really going to love me, and every part of me, and love our children." I watch these parents playing with their kids-going down the slide, swimming through the lazy river, doing flips and jumps off of the walls, having swimming lessons together.... and on many occasions, they've brought joyous grins to my face, other times, tears- of longing. I'm so... scared almost.... to set my bar so high for who I would want to spend my life with, because I'm afraid he doesn't exist. But, I did, for a fleeting moment, have tears full of hope, and joy, run down my face while I sat and contemplated at the top of my new favorite thinking spot =] it makes me feel like I'm sitting on the top of the world, and can look down and see everything and everyone.

This turned out to be much longer than I was expecting... Guess I had a lot more on my mind than I realized... Keep me in your prayers